heaven

Here's the deal...

I have been really feeling numb to everything the past couple of days. I think my mind and heart are in survival mode, just getting through the days and sometimes a cloud of homesickness. I prayed Thursday morning for a word from God, I am so hungry for intimate and deep conversations I am used to having at home. I know part of it is me initiating it, but a lot of times I just don't know where to begin. I feel like I have to hide sometimes, like if I admit I"m a Christ follower I'll get stoned or something. However, God did answer my prayer Thursday night...I am amazed by how quickly he answers at times, and I did have some good conversations. Here's how the last couple of days have looked...
I have to admit, I just got off work and I"m kind of in a bad mood right now... just tired... so excuse the negativity.

Wednesday night
I was off Wednesday and it was cold and rainy so I kind of hung out and did some reading. That night we had the gathering. I am usually excited to go, but this time it disappointed me a little. It just seemed like there was really a lack of inviting conversation and spiritual questions. Honestly I felt like I was back in sunday school, sitting in a circle, eating crackers and hearing stories about Jesus. Ahhh its so much more real than that! and how am I going to feel comfortable bringing my friends to learn about my God if I feel awkward at my own gathering???So, yeah that was frusterating.

Thursday I just really felt like I needed some conversation... like I said, survival mode, it can get lonely at times. So I was working thursday night with some of my other co workers, and I"m not even sure how it got started, but we started talking about heaven. ONe of the guys was saying how he wasn't really sure he wanted to go there if it was always good all the time. He said that one thing he enjoyed about life was the conflict, and that if heaven didn't involve conflict, it wasn't real... he considers things that are all good, fake. Hmmmm interesting. I"ve never heard that before. Here I was, brought up southern baptist, learning my whole life that we look forward to heaven, we sing songs about heaven, we wish for it, we wait for it, and here is this guy saying he doesn't want to go??? I think I uttered something lame like yeah I want to go... it could be cool... (how's that for intelligent?)So the next question he asks is if I'm religious. I squirmed a little because religious means to me something highly rigid and rule based, so I said that and then he asked the girl next to me. Turns out we were both brought up baptist. I asked him if he thought religious people were hypocritical and close minded( he had mentioned earlier that he had some religious relatives that annoyed him and he didn't even talk to them anymore. )(oh yeah I think the talk got started with someone saying they were conservative... now I remember)He actually disagreed and said no, when he thought of Christians, he thought of good( in a good sense, not a fake sense) and that he went on mission trips to build houses with Christian groups in new mexico. ( now that's one I haven't heard out here either, Christians are good? I was expecting to get shunned). From there the conversation led into a discussion about the bible and both of my co workers saying that even though the social definition of the bible is a rule book, they think there is a lot more to it, moral stories, life lessons... (i was surprised by this also)Turns out that one girl knew a lot about scripture and the other guy had read a bit of the bible. he started telling me though that he thought religion was hypocritical because of pastors. Who has the authority to tell them they know more about sin and the bible than anyone else he asked? HOw do they know they can pardon sin? (From there, a conversation about catholocism ensued)
We eventually wrapped it up, we were supposed to be working, you know, but I felt so energized. Talking about Faith and different religions is my favorite thing to talk about. Everyone has such different ideas, and there is no way I am even close to knowing everything. I kind of like that feeling.
People have such different beliefs here, like this one girl I know believes that nature and animals and people are one creation, and that animals have souls... I've that before...its all so confusing and its hard to sort out, so for the majority of the time I just sit and listen until God gives me the go ahead to say something. Sometimes it comes out all blah and ignorant and stupid and I hesitate and get scared, but I figure God will forgive me right, like he forgave moses? I just hope He doesn't have to turn anysticks into snakes to get my attention... now that would be scary...