The beginnings of the weeks are usually pretty uneventfull for me. I worked Sunday and Monday and the last few days I've had off, I've just spent a lot of time to myself. I went to the pool with a friend Tuesday morning and then went rock climbing that night. I'll have to say I'm scared of putting my life in someone else's hands while they belay me from down below, even though they catch me every time I fall. I'm having a little issue with trust here. Hmmm. kind of sounds like my relationship with God most of the time...
I want so bad to open my heart up to people and love them and be myself... but its just so hard to trust sometimes. I'm sort of feeling at a loss too, because I don't feel like I have anyone here that really understands my heart, and will listen to me. Its hard to have to always be the listener to other people. And, as most of you know, I'm a slow contemplative kind of person. I like to sit still, silently and listen to waterfalls or watch stars and just let the sounds of nature wash over me. Maybe its just the employee housing unit where I live, but everyone there seems to want to be entertained 24/7. I think some of them think its wierd that I'm not continually talking, but I have things to say sometimes, and I'm not going to force myself to be someone I'm not. Quite honestly, it exhausts me to try to keep a conversation going all the time. I love it when I can hang out with people who enjoy friendly silence. I was thinking today that older people are pretty much the only ones who know how to sit on the porch and just watch the sun set. Its not because they are old and tired, but because they know how to enjoy life and the wisdom in their years makes them sit down and take in everything they've rushed by for so long. I hope I take in a lot of sunsets before I'm old.
I was reading a verse in Hosea the other day, and it went something like this... hosea is referencing Israel... "she went after her lovers, but me she forgot. " I feel like this a lot. Like there are so many things I want to do and accomoplish but I forget that its the Lord who frees me and gives me peace and makes it all possible. I need to continue to feel comfortable with who I am in the Lord and quite running after things that I'm not.
Back to work tomorrow and pretty soon it will be the weekend again! Take care everyone!
ps. I was invited to hike half dome again today (the 16 mile hike with cables at the top) but I chickened out again! oops!
2 comments:
i love to sit in silence. i havent done it in like a week though, thanks for reminding me. when you get back... you, me, and the porch swing have a date. got it?
reading this made me miss you a lot. more than normal... what are you trying to do to me?
if you need someone to listen, you know my number.
callie,
i love reading what you write. you need to be an english major, because you definately have a way with words and using them to make a computer screen come alive.
i missed you today. i went to the sno cone stand and your car was there, but i knew you weren't and it made me sad, but them it also make me think of all the crazy times at work so that made me smile! obviously i don't have a way with words.
love, anna
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