God thoughts

I can't believe that June is almost over! I haven't blogged in awhile because time is short and computers are few and far between. Lots of people bring laptops and they offer to let me use theirs, but I feel like I need time that I am alone and quiet enought to think to write coherent thoughts on here.
I've been struggling a little bit the past few weeks, trying to figure some things out. I think I have adjusted well and I love it here, but I'm just trying to find my place and where I belong. I want to feel that I do things for a reason and not just because everyone else is doing them... in a sense, I want to be totally myself and not let others influence me or what I think...I can be open, yes, but I want to take everything in, think about it and figure it out for myself. So.. I've been keeping a personal journal for all the little rants and raves you guys don't want to read about here.
A little excerpt from my journal:
"I often feel here that I am running farther away from organized religion, but closer to the real truth. I don't think its something to be concerned about, however, just a purer form of what I believe." this creates conflict though with my upbringing and what I am learning out here. I want to hold tight to my past because its comfortable and I know it.. but I want to embrace the life I've made for myself and that God has led me toward out here because its new exciting and fullfilling... its my own. What is religion anyways? So often I feel like I fall into the trap of believing words that other people have spoken and taking them more to heart than I take Jesus's words to heart. I've conformed myself to an idea and not to Himself. He's the one we profess to follow anyways, isn't He? Not tradition, not organizations that someone else has made up. It might sound cynical, but its not. I think I'm past that stage, though I did go through it for awhile. Its funny, there's a girl out here on the tribe that is going through things exactly the way I did a year ago... its weird to be on the other side of it, not to say that I know a lot more, but I've been there and its cool to kind of offer words of wisdom and help her along and let her know its ok to question and find Jesus for yourself.
I had some interesting talks with a few people yesterday. Turns out both of them are from a Christian upbringing, but came out here this summer to really figure out what they beleive. One of them is reading a book by an atheist called The God Dillusion that sounds really interesting. Basically it bashes organized religion. I think I might try to get ahold of one when I get back or maybe read some of it out here. I think its so important to know how other people view our faith and I think it makes us more open minded and open for discussion when we study and read what others say through literature. That's what I love out here too, people are so intellectual and it seems they are so hungry for things to read and discover. I love that open mind set!
Anyways, through talking with them yesterday or basically I was just listening, I have my share of things to think about. Here's one of the things we discussed:
One guy says that religion is taboo. He said for example his grandmother just died and nobody will talk about her. He thinks that death=afterlife which=religion so that's why people don't talk about death, they just avoid it. Interesting theory, right? I've never thought about it that way before. Basically they just think that without afterlife there would be no reason for Christianity... whoa... my head just exploded a little. How do I go there? How do I even begin? anyways... thoughts...

So I'm thankful that God has given me some things to work through this week. I love talking about things like that and I am looking forward to continually discussing things of that nature.
to close, I'll post a poem that I wrote about Yosemite the other day.....

Creativity explosive
Beauty mingled with danger
Pain written on blank faces
passes through like clouds in the mountains.
Love is concealed
cut by sharp edged souls
and revealed
only to be sutured by experiences
that remain a mystery.
Shine a light in their souls,
search the canyons and caves
for a lingering flicker of light
to ignite hope
and run towards the flame in the distance.