I have found that I am without friends, yet again, not so much friends as in people I hang out and do things with and talk about shoes with, but friends who "get me" understand me. Call me to see how I'm doing. Friends who I know I can call out but love me just the same. So... I resort to my good ole friend writing... my outlet, bearer of my aggression...
There are so many things to balance this semester. I find myself engaged, enjoying it, loving it actually... I find myself more in love with my fiance daily. He's teaching me about love, being patient with me when i go searching for myself... which is about once a week, nowadays. I'm a firm believer that you can't be happy with anyone else if you are not happy with yourself. And I don't mean just surface stuff. I mean digging deep and seeing all the crap you're made of an pulling it out an looking at it and deciding who you are and what you're made of and what you stand for. this is not a process that is to be taken lightly. Its something I've struggled with for the better part of four years. Who am I? I used to dread these moments, these moments of insecurity...when I thought it was wrong to not know all the answers. But now I revel in it... that is why I live, to pursue truth and meaning and purpose. The grand existence of life. I digress with self realization, but back to engagement... I love it but it puts me in a strange position. Alone, to be exact. None of my friends I see daily are experiencing this life change, and the ones who are are with thier significant other daily. Now as I said I'm a firm believer in finding yourself, and I think that can happen when you spend time alone or when you find yourself with other people. You can learn a lot about yourself through your actions with others. I feel like I'm a lone on an island. Like everyone else is in a different part of the country. I like where I'm at, but I can't find anyone else on my island, so I spend the better part of the day to myself or with my best friend now, my fiance. If I was a normal person, this would be fine. But no, I find myself daily caught between what I want and what I think I should do. I think I should be around people and not seclude myself. but my efforts to do so seem to be continually thwarted.
For instance tonight. I went to a community group to see people and talk and be civilized and social. not things I do often, but hey. I had a good time until we started listening to the speaker. She was talking about women's roles in reference to men and the Bible. Now there is a right way to go about it and a wrong way. I don't think women can be compared to cars and have this taken lightly. A woman is a complex human being!I also find offense in the statement that we were made to be with men, that we should always serve men, that we can't be complete without a husband. what happened to a woman being herself who she is and INDEPENDENT! A woman and a man both can be themselves, complete with out anyone else. True, I love my fiance and he makes me a better person and I wouldn't want to be without him, but if worse came to worse, I could. I wouldn't be incapable or unable to survive. I've found myself and I am secure in who I am inside of myself and I don't need someone else to make me be that way. I think this is such a problem with the way church presents marriage and women and men, especially to young people. Why do you think teenage girls want to be with a guy so badly, so badly they'll do anything for love? And here the church members are, wringing their hands, wondering why their girls are pregnant??? Its the message... there is no sense of self, no message of confidence of telling these girls that they are beautiful they are capable, they don't need to take crap from anyone and that God is ok with that!! True he made women as a "helper" but men can also be a helper. They can be equal!!! I love my relationship with my fiance because he lets me be who I am and I let him be who he is. We love being together, but we can be apart too. I know that if I ever lost myself and got caught up in just doing stuff...or just living my life to please other people, my real self would wither and die. Women need to be ALIVE! to seize the moment and not be so worried about what guys think of them or others think of them! Have deep conversation, don't let a conversation about shoes be your deep conversation of the day. Explore, take office, take lead roles, read literature, do math, be a physics major, be a surgeon, fire fighter, whatever! Know that you are a capable human being and that God made you that way. All we have to do now is teach everyone else...
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