true introvert

I am so hungry for some alone time! I am always around people here. At work, after work, when I sleep, when I eat. My true introvert colors are starting to show... I only feel energized and together when I get some time to myself. I think actually though, I just want someone to seem interested in my life... more bluntly... to love me. I know you have to give to receive and all that, but I feel like others around me are having so much fun and I'm counting down the days until I get out of here. How can some place that feels so freeing start to feel like such a prison? Maybe part of it is pride? I know that my Christian brothers and sisters would be there in a heartbeat to lift me up, but I don't want to admit that I am extremely homesick and having a hard time. I don't want to be that negative person.... so maybe I just need to spend a couple hours alone to just regroup, because as my wise friend said here, I'll never be good for anyone if I'm not good for myself. I guess my only drawback is that I don't want to miss out on things or opportunities and I feel like I"m the only person who needs this time to myself... is that so wierd?
Maybe God is teaching me contentment. These feelings happen to me a lot. When ever I start something new, I love it, I"m so passionate about it, but then a couple months or even weeks into it I get tired and ready for something else new... what is that? I need to learn to be happy where I am.
It just hurts sometimes when you feel like you're giving everything and trying so hard to be interested in people's lives and you get nothing in return. Am I even doing any good? Am I changing lives? Do I have a purpose? The other day I had some flyers I was putting up for the gathering (our weekly church service). I saw one of my friends and he asked me what I was doing, and I showed him the flyers. He practically laughed in my face. Now that hurt. How can someone laugh about something that is so important to me, is my very breath and my very strength? I try so hard to be accepting of everyone else, even when they are drunk or high and just plain annoying... why why why?
ok, I'm finished with my rant... I just needed to get that out... I told you I was going to be honest on here, didn't I?

The last couple of weeks have been very busy. Last week I went to hike in tuolumne with some of my friends. That's still in the national park, but its classified as high country. In some parts, there's still snow on the ground even when its 105 here. We hiked up this trail that's about a mile up, but its straight up. We go from 4000 ft. in the valley to all of a sudden we're 10000 ft. That's quite a climb. But once we huffed and puffed our way up, it was beautiful. The trail flattened out into this meadow and we were surrounded by mountain ranges every where we looked. Some were snow capped, others were high ridges of red rock. Directly ahead of us was a lake called Gaylor lake, and several other tarn lakes in other directions. It was beautiful! of course I wanted to get higher up to take in more of the view, so I climbed up to Gaylor point. Basically it was just a bunch of rocks and I had to pick my way through. When I finally got up, I sat down and it.. was... so ...quiet. I loved it. All I could hear was the wind... for miles and miles I was surrounded by mountains. Not the wimpy ones we have in south texas, but huge granite glacier carved mountain ridges. Wow. If anyone has a chance to get on face books there's a picture of me lying in the meadow. How's that for relaxation!
Last weekend a couple of friends and me took a trip to San francisco. Of course after we stopped to get wild strawberries from the field, I fell asleep in the car and awoke to the bay bridge! I have never seen anything like it. We went directly to AT and T stadium to watch the giants play. They won 13 to 0 against Arizona, but I got extremely sunburnt. I just didn't think I would because of the breeze blowing right off the bay. Something I thought was funny was that these kayakers would come across the bay and sit and wait for homeruns or fly balls to hit the bay and then they would all scramble to pick them up out of the water. After that we went to our hostel, the Green tortoise. Anyone who hasn't ever stayed in a hostel should. It was a blast. We paid $27.00 for the night and got a room, bed, free linens, showers, free breakfast, internet and had a band play that night! it was great and we got to meet people from all over the world. We visited places like China town( bubble tea, yum) Haite ashbury street ( the corner where the hipppie movement started in the 60s) pier 39, fisherman's wharf (where we ate some clam chowder in sourdough breadbowls), ghiradelli square and tons of other stuff. ONe of my favorite moments was the park around the golden gate bridge. I took off my shoes and waded into the water... ahhh... ocean... it was great. We spent a lot of money (the city is expensive) but it was worth it.
For July fourth a group of us went up to the mobil (this random gas station high in the sierras that serves gourmet food and has bands that play on the weekends and for special events)The band that was playing was called the Trespassers. They were basically indie folk band (code for honky tonk country california music and hippie dancing). Once we got finished eating dinner, they started playing on this stage at one end of the outdoor part of the restaurant. Everyone gathered in front and started dancing. It was the most freeing feeling because nobody cared what you looked like.. so we all took off our shoes, rolled up our pants, and danced in the mud all night long. It was one of the most exhilarating times I've had here. I just love hippies. I love to watch them and I'd love to imitate parts of their lifestyle. They are so free... they wear whatever they want, no make up, love nature, people and are basically nomadic. they live life every day to the fullest and just enjoy it. They are not driven by fame, money or success... that's freedom to me.

Nights in boystown are pretty fun... on any given night somebody is barbqueing or playing music or just hanging out and discussing life. I am homesick... but there's always something to do...