God thoughts

I can't believe that June is almost over! I haven't blogged in awhile because time is short and computers are few and far between. Lots of people bring laptops and they offer to let me use theirs, but I feel like I need time that I am alone and quiet enought to think to write coherent thoughts on here.
I've been struggling a little bit the past few weeks, trying to figure some things out. I think I have adjusted well and I love it here, but I'm just trying to find my place and where I belong. I want to feel that I do things for a reason and not just because everyone else is doing them... in a sense, I want to be totally myself and not let others influence me or what I think...I can be open, yes, but I want to take everything in, think about it and figure it out for myself. So.. I've been keeping a personal journal for all the little rants and raves you guys don't want to read about here.
A little excerpt from my journal:
"I often feel here that I am running farther away from organized religion, but closer to the real truth. I don't think its something to be concerned about, however, just a purer form of what I believe." this creates conflict though with my upbringing and what I am learning out here. I want to hold tight to my past because its comfortable and I know it.. but I want to embrace the life I've made for myself and that God has led me toward out here because its new exciting and fullfilling... its my own. What is religion anyways? So often I feel like I fall into the trap of believing words that other people have spoken and taking them more to heart than I take Jesus's words to heart. I've conformed myself to an idea and not to Himself. He's the one we profess to follow anyways, isn't He? Not tradition, not organizations that someone else has made up. It might sound cynical, but its not. I think I'm past that stage, though I did go through it for awhile. Its funny, there's a girl out here on the tribe that is going through things exactly the way I did a year ago... its weird to be on the other side of it, not to say that I know a lot more, but I've been there and its cool to kind of offer words of wisdom and help her along and let her know its ok to question and find Jesus for yourself.
I had some interesting talks with a few people yesterday. Turns out both of them are from a Christian upbringing, but came out here this summer to really figure out what they beleive. One of them is reading a book by an atheist called The God Dillusion that sounds really interesting. Basically it bashes organized religion. I think I might try to get ahold of one when I get back or maybe read some of it out here. I think its so important to know how other people view our faith and I think it makes us more open minded and open for discussion when we study and read what others say through literature. That's what I love out here too, people are so intellectual and it seems they are so hungry for things to read and discover. I love that open mind set!
Anyways, through talking with them yesterday or basically I was just listening, I have my share of things to think about. Here's one of the things we discussed:
One guy says that religion is taboo. He said for example his grandmother just died and nobody will talk about her. He thinks that death=afterlife which=religion so that's why people don't talk about death, they just avoid it. Interesting theory, right? I've never thought about it that way before. Basically they just think that without afterlife there would be no reason for Christianity... whoa... my head just exploded a little. How do I go there? How do I even begin? anyways... thoughts...

So I'm thankful that God has given me some things to work through this week. I love talking about things like that and I am looking forward to continually discussing things of that nature.
to close, I'll post a poem that I wrote about Yosemite the other day.....

Creativity explosive
Beauty mingled with danger
Pain written on blank faces
passes through like clouds in the mountains.
Love is concealed
cut by sharp edged souls
and revealed
only to be sutured by experiences
that remain a mystery.
Shine a light in their souls,
search the canyons and caves
for a lingering flicker of light
to ignite hope
and run towards the flame in the distance.

silent hearts

The beginnings of the weeks are usually pretty uneventfull for me. I worked Sunday and Monday and the last few days I've had off, I've just spent a lot of time to myself. I went to the pool with a friend Tuesday morning and then went rock climbing that night. I'll have to say I'm scared of putting my life in someone else's hands while they belay me from down below, even though they catch me every time I fall. I'm having a little issue with trust here. Hmmm. kind of sounds like my relationship with God most of the time...
I want so bad to open my heart up to people and love them and be myself... but its just so hard to trust sometimes. I'm sort of feeling at a loss too, because I don't feel like I have anyone here that really understands my heart, and will listen to me. Its hard to have to always be the listener to other people. And, as most of you know, I'm a slow contemplative kind of person. I like to sit still, silently and listen to waterfalls or watch stars and just let the sounds of nature wash over me. Maybe its just the employee housing unit where I live, but everyone there seems to want to be entertained 24/7. I think some of them think its wierd that I'm not continually talking, but I have things to say sometimes, and I'm not going to force myself to be someone I'm not. Quite honestly, it exhausts me to try to keep a conversation going all the time. I love it when I can hang out with people who enjoy friendly silence. I was thinking today that older people are pretty much the only ones who know how to sit on the porch and just watch the sun set. Its not because they are old and tired, but because they know how to enjoy life and the wisdom in their years makes them sit down and take in everything they've rushed by for so long. I hope I take in a lot of sunsets before I'm old.
I was reading a verse in Hosea the other day, and it went something like this... hosea is referencing Israel... "she went after her lovers, but me she forgot. " I feel like this a lot. Like there are so many things I want to do and accomoplish but I forget that its the Lord who frees me and gives me peace and makes it all possible. I need to continue to feel comfortable with who I am in the Lord and quite running after things that I'm not.

Back to work tomorrow and pretty soon it will be the weekend again! Take care everyone!
ps. I was invited to hike half dome again today (the 16 mile hike with cables at the top) but I chickened out again! oops!

lots of new

Lots of new experiences lately!

A couple of nights ago I heard a rockfall! it was so loud I heard it and it woke me up even with my earplugs in. I think it knocked out a window in the Curry housing area, but other than that, nothing big happened.

Yesterday I hiked Upper Yosemite falls by myself! No one was available or off work, so I set off on an adventure after a big breakfast and a little hang time with my tent neighbor. Its a 6.8 mile trail round trip, but by the time it was all said and done, I think I hiked about 7 miles and it took about 5 hours! yikes! yes, and my legs are really sore today. The trip up there to the falls was okay, except on some parts there were huge sand pits and slippery rocks. That was no fun, especially the last half mile was totally uphill and you had to climb these big rocks in the path. It was kind of like climbing a mountain in the ocean. Once I got up there though, it was all worth it. I walked down this narrow staircase to a little guardrail and looked over. The falls tumbled down the rocks below me and disappeared in the distance. The sun reflected off the mist and made a rainbow. Periodically when it got really windy, the mist blew over to where I was standing and cooled me off. It was so beautiful and then it hit me that I was standing above the tallest waterfall in North America, and I hiked it myself!! ok, sorry I'm just really proud of my accomoplishments. I rested for awhile and then hiked down. Now that part was annoying. I expected to go faster down than I did coming up, but the rocks are so steep and slippery with sand that I had to take my time. It probably took the same amount of time going down than it did coming up. By the time I got down I was in a bad mood, out of water, sunburnt and incredibly dirty and sweaty... the rest of the night I just kind of sat around...but it was afun day!

I just want to say that I am amazed by how creative and individual people are here. The creativity is just explosive. I was talking to this girl in the kitchen the other night and she showed me some of her art. She drew it with a pen, but it looked like a computer graphic. It was so amazing and on top of that she was sewing her own clothes.
At the same time however, pain and hurt is so real here. Sometimes when I look at someone I can just feel it radiating off their face. Its so sad and I hurt for them. For some, its their last chance to prove themselves.

ahhh yosemite... well, have to go to work soon!

heaven

Here's the deal...

I have been really feeling numb to everything the past couple of days. I think my mind and heart are in survival mode, just getting through the days and sometimes a cloud of homesickness. I prayed Thursday morning for a word from God, I am so hungry for intimate and deep conversations I am used to having at home. I know part of it is me initiating it, but a lot of times I just don't know where to begin. I feel like I have to hide sometimes, like if I admit I"m a Christ follower I'll get stoned or something. However, God did answer my prayer Thursday night...I am amazed by how quickly he answers at times, and I did have some good conversations. Here's how the last couple of days have looked...
I have to admit, I just got off work and I"m kind of in a bad mood right now... just tired... so excuse the negativity.

Wednesday night
I was off Wednesday and it was cold and rainy so I kind of hung out and did some reading. That night we had the gathering. I am usually excited to go, but this time it disappointed me a little. It just seemed like there was really a lack of inviting conversation and spiritual questions. Honestly I felt like I was back in sunday school, sitting in a circle, eating crackers and hearing stories about Jesus. Ahhh its so much more real than that! and how am I going to feel comfortable bringing my friends to learn about my God if I feel awkward at my own gathering???So, yeah that was frusterating.

Thursday I just really felt like I needed some conversation... like I said, survival mode, it can get lonely at times. So I was working thursday night with some of my other co workers, and I"m not even sure how it got started, but we started talking about heaven. ONe of the guys was saying how he wasn't really sure he wanted to go there if it was always good all the time. He said that one thing he enjoyed about life was the conflict, and that if heaven didn't involve conflict, it wasn't real... he considers things that are all good, fake. Hmmmm interesting. I"ve never heard that before. Here I was, brought up southern baptist, learning my whole life that we look forward to heaven, we sing songs about heaven, we wish for it, we wait for it, and here is this guy saying he doesn't want to go??? I think I uttered something lame like yeah I want to go... it could be cool... (how's that for intelligent?)So the next question he asks is if I'm religious. I squirmed a little because religious means to me something highly rigid and rule based, so I said that and then he asked the girl next to me. Turns out we were both brought up baptist. I asked him if he thought religious people were hypocritical and close minded( he had mentioned earlier that he had some religious relatives that annoyed him and he didn't even talk to them anymore. )(oh yeah I think the talk got started with someone saying they were conservative... now I remember)He actually disagreed and said no, when he thought of Christians, he thought of good( in a good sense, not a fake sense) and that he went on mission trips to build houses with Christian groups in new mexico. ( now that's one I haven't heard out here either, Christians are good? I was expecting to get shunned). From there the conversation led into a discussion about the bible and both of my co workers saying that even though the social definition of the bible is a rule book, they think there is a lot more to it, moral stories, life lessons... (i was surprised by this also)Turns out that one girl knew a lot about scripture and the other guy had read a bit of the bible. he started telling me though that he thought religion was hypocritical because of pastors. Who has the authority to tell them they know more about sin and the bible than anyone else he asked? HOw do they know they can pardon sin? (From there, a conversation about catholocism ensued)
We eventually wrapped it up, we were supposed to be working, you know, but I felt so energized. Talking about Faith and different religions is my favorite thing to talk about. Everyone has such different ideas, and there is no way I am even close to knowing everything. I kind of like that feeling.
People have such different beliefs here, like this one girl I know believes that nature and animals and people are one creation, and that animals have souls... I've that before...its all so confusing and its hard to sort out, so for the majority of the time I just sit and listen until God gives me the go ahead to say something. Sometimes it comes out all blah and ignorant and stupid and I hesitate and get scared, but I figure God will forgive me right, like he forgave moses? I just hope He doesn't have to turn anysticks into snakes to get my attention... now that would be scary...

the groove

I haven't had anything to write in a couple of days because I haven't really been doing anything. I had Saturday and Sunday off, Saturday I'm pretty sure I just bummed around, spent a lot of time reading and Sunday we took a group rafting. It was really relaxing just to sit on the boat and watch the mountains pass by.The water was cold though, and I didn't get in even though it was hot out. Later that day a bunch of us ate lunch outside on the pizza deck. Monday I had to work. That night a group of us had a picnic in my tent and then we hung out with a bunch of people in boystown that were having a barbque. We did that for awhile and then headed over to another living area to hang out with more people, but that was awkward so we left. We met a lot of people though. Yesterday it was cold and rainy and I hung out with some friends in the morning and that afternoon we went to Oakhurst to get groceries. (I've gotten very tired of eating peanut butter and jelly). We at a Mexican food restaurant there called... get this... Mexican food. haha. IT was soooo good, though, I can't believe I've missed mexican food that much. Everything here is so fresh, we had fresh avacado with our meal. yum. We kind of wasted time in oak hurst for awhile that night, it was good to get out of the valley. Sometimes it seems boring here especially if you don't have a car to go anywhere and you don't drink. At night that's pretty much what everyone does... drink. it makes for some pretty good entertainment but it gets old after awhile.
Yesterday it turned cold and the clouds covered the mountains. IT was really pretty, but I was so busy looking at it I forgot to take a picture. oh well, i'm sure it will rain again.
A bunch of us had planned on going on a sixteen mile hike today,to the good ole half dome ( a steep hike with the last six hundred yards accessible only by cables) but it was too cold and wet...a little disappointing, but I am planning on making a good meal for lunch, (vegetarian stir fry anyone?) and going to the gathering later tonight. and maybe playing the piano and reading a little. So... i'm settling into the groove of Yosemite...

on a deeper level, I've really been thinking about trust lately. Before I came here I told myself that I was going to be open and vulnerable and real with everyone... I hate it when people are fake and I never wanted to be one of those people. In the past I have had trouble with trusting, but my philosophy now is to be real and risk getting hurt. Well I did. I got frusterated at work Monday because I didn't know who to trust. Everyone was talking about everyone, and people I thought were my friends still were but were possibly for the wrong reasons. I just get hurt sometimes when it seems like I am doing my best to be myself and open myself up to people and it just gets thrown back in my face. I've just decided to give this person the benefit of the doubt and be friends with them, but I hate the fact I have to be on my guard and sometiems watch my back. Everyone is not good in the world, and I know that is something I've known for awhile, but its hard when its reality again. Maybe all this sounds naive, but its worth pondering...

Glacier point

I can't believe I've been away from home for almost three weeks! This week especially has just flown by. Just two more months! That seems like forever, but I know it will go fast. Just know that I am missing everyone already!

Let me update on the last couple of days...
Wednesday I had to work so I missed the gathering where our tribe gets together and has a worship time. I was really sad because I really miss singing along to music on the guitar.. I feel that's what really brings me to life sometimes. So... everyone from the gathering surprised me at work with a chocolate chocolate chip birthday cake and sang happy birthday! I was so excited but kind of embarrassed because everyone in the hotel lobby was staring. It was fun though. They stayed for awhile and we ate cake.
Yesterday I woke up early and went on a hike to Glacier point, the four mile trail as it is also know. But I found out that it is actually 4.6 miles...and hiking from the place where I live, its probably over five! So I hiked five miles yesterday, mostly uphill. It was hard, especially at the top( my lungs are still not adjusted to this thin air, or my body its need for extreme amounts of water)But the view was worth it. While hiking, we came to a point where we were eye level with yosemite falls! it was beautiful. we hiked further up and came to a point where the trees cleared and you could see the valley in all directions and the mountains rising up from the valley. The higher we hiked, the more pine trees there were, and the trail eventually became covered with pine needles and that good ole pine smell. There were huge pinecones that could knock someone out... they were bigger than my face! The view was so beautiful and when we got to the top, we could see some of the mountaintops were still covered in snow. It still amazes me what yosemite looks like. Sometimes it feels like we're looking at a living painting. ESpecially at night, when the moon is rising over the mountain tops, it looks as if someone has painted a big backdrop and just stuck it up there. It doesn't look real... but it is and I"m living here!
ONce we got to the top of Glacier point we rested for awhile and had some much deserved icecream. We took a shuttle down and met some friends to drive to El Portal where steve lives. We ate pizza there and watched the movie Fight Club, and just hung out for awhile. Oh and I forgot... on the way there I bought my first bottle of wine to share with my friends! I felt kind of awkward though, but I'm officially legal!

Its been good to hang out with friends, espeically hiking with Bridget, Leigh, Matt and Selena yesterday... but I still miss the comfortableness(is that a word?)of home. I have been praying that I wouldn't just "get through" the next few months but really engage in relationships, live free and live life and show the truth and not withdraw from people when I feel sad. I know spending some alone time with the Lord will help and I plan to do that tomorrow.

Thanks to everyone who is praying... your prayers are felt, so don't stop!

ps.. funny note... I've been to several bar b ques here in California. What I'm used to in Texas is every kind of meat imaginabe dripping in sweet and spicy sauce. Know what they have at barbques here? Garden burgers... haha... I'm not even kidding. Its blasphemy!!!