wallowing

I've been in bed sick from a sinus infection the last few days. Infections cause my blood sugar to go up, making me feel horrible. And it's dangerous because it can fluctuate so much at a moment's notice. So... I've stayed home from school yesterday and today, going crazy because I have a hard time sitting still for an hour, let alone eight. Sitting here alone gave me some time to think and stew. I always feel down when I get sick like this because it makes me stare diabetes in the face and realize how chronic this disease really is. I get upset because I realize that I can never be as independent as I really want to be, or would like to think I am. I get embarrassed because I don't want people at work to feel sorry for me, or set the bar lower for my achievements because I have this disease. Then I get angry at myself for feeling sorry for myself.
Then I got the news that none of my UIL team placed at their competition. I think I was definiately more upset than they would be. I guess I just equated that loss with failure, and I do not like to fail. I've just felt like I am not doing very well at my job for the last couple of weeks, and sometimes I am at a loss at what to do. I mean I know it requires outside work before and after school, but I have to draw the line somewhere... then something suffers. Then the bad thoughts just start spiraling down and I think that I will never be good enough to be recommended for principalship like some people are, geez I can't even handle an extra curricular activity! I realize that I am competitive and extremely hard on myself, but I can' help it. I just want to be the best at something, and I feel like I'm mediocre at everything.

Thanksgiving memories

Thanksgiving this year was weird. I looked forward to it for three weeks... all the time we had off from school (three days) seemed so mesmerizing. Time off was great, I haven't had that much time off since college, but it was stressful. We went to the ranch again with my family( now numbering somewhere in the 40s.) To say the least, it was crowded. All the kids are growing up, need more space, and there are more responsibilities are you get older. For example, my family clan is always responsible for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. So... that means we spend Wednesday night in the kitchen and all day on Thursday, and another couple of hours cleaning up. That's fine, I'm glad to help, but it seemed to taste so much better when I wasn't cooking it.
I guess I'm just still kind of figuring out my adulthood position in life. I feel so sad when I think about all the childhood memories I have at the ranch. I mean, I feel happy because I have so many good ones, but it seems like as you get older, some places just lose their "specialness." Maybe I just get upset because I think that during family times, family should spend time together. Both my sisters left early to be with their boyfriends. I guess I understand, but... there is so little time to spend together now, even when we live in the same city.
On the upside, I feel like Shawn is a little more comfortable around my impenetrable family. Imagine an indian coming into a cowboy camp. Or a Muslim stepping into a Baptist church... I think they just had to get used to him. Or maybe he's just gotten used to the country, rifle wielding, pie eating, right wing conservatives they are. Not bad, just the way they are, and different than the way Shawn grew up. I'm sure it took some time getting used to it... for both sides.
On the extreme upside, there are three weeks of school until Christmas. And not enough time to get anything done. But that's okay, I'm just glad that this semester has flown by so quickly. Now, I really feel like I have the hang of things. Yes, there are still some days when those 4th grade boogers get the better of me, but I feel like I know what to do. I feel more confident. I feel more in control of the situation- and that always makes me feel better. Despite the fact that they draw beer bottles on their papers, write about playboy in their journals and eat squirrel soup for dinner, I do, as a matter of fact, feel better about it all now. :)

Yesterday was the first day I cried at school. It was a Monday morning, I had my whole class acting out, and then my university mentor (who critiques me) decides to visit. I was stressed, and she decided to stay during my lunch (25-30 minutes) which meant I had no down time and no time to eat. After she left, I broke down in my closet. The other teachers found me and I started crying so hard I couldn't stop... which isn't like me. I can usually keep it together pretty well, especially when I know how important it is not to cry in front of the kids. But sometimes the things they say just hurt so dang much. I took a few minutes to pull myself together while another teacher took my class. After that, I was ok. It was weird, though. Like I couldn't stop. I was crying, shaking...scary almost, like a panic attack, but not that extreme. This has been a hard week. It is so non stop. I am tired all the time, and it seems like the kids don't get anything I teach and I have to reteach it the next day. How am I supposed to get anywhere? How in the world do I teach someone how to write... with no clear direction? When I have a crazy kid trying to stab people with pencils stirring up my whole class? I never thought it would be this hard.

I think the hardest thing is... that people don't look for the good things. I have teachers from other grades mad at me because my 4th graders can't stay quiet in the halls. I just want to scream at them and tell them to help me! Not to ignore or be mad at me. It's stupid the way some teachers think they know everything and the right way to do things. If you do, fine. Just feel free to funnel your wisdom my direction.

People only see the bad. They don't see how much progess is made on little things, on poetry, on remembering what to do, on helping another student.

Tiring, exhausting, stressful teaching. I feel like I give everything and it still isn't enough.

school daze

ahh teaching. It has been a whirlwind of craziness and drama. Some days I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know what to do, but other days, teaching feels natural. It's weird. It keeps me busy. Some weeks I'm frustrated because it seems like that's all I do. Wake up, teach, eat, sleep. The greatest thing about it though, is that even though I wake up some mornings not wanting to get up... I know that those kids are counting on me and expecting me to be there, ready and prepared. I think that's what keeps me going. That and the fact that teaching challenges me like no other job I've ever had. I am never, ever bored. I have to problem solve at the drop of a hat fifty times a day, handle crises as they come, stay accountable to my administrators, and try to impart wisdom about life and writing to 45 ten year olds.

So far, I've had one kid try to stab another kid with a pencil, kids trying to steal candy from me, lying to me, other kids trapping live animals in their backpacks and bringing them to school, kids trying to pull teeth in my classroom, a bloody nose when the lights went out, and a huge throw-up mess in my class last Thursday.

The stories dealing with bodily fluids are the funniest because those make me the most grossed out.

I'm so glad I made the decision to go into this profession. Though challenging and tiring, it is very rewarding.

Dusk

Dusk comes slowly, creeping and rolling,

Earth breathes a sigh of relief.

The feverish air remembers the heat of the day,

And beckons the humid release.

Trees bow and kneel to one another,

Katydids serenade the sky.

Cavalier clouds exchange favors with the wind,

Flowers curl and die.

Old oak leaves splayed like luna moths

Drift and kiss the ground.

I lay my head among pillars of grass,

And stop to catch the sound.

new letter

We just recently received a letter from some of our friends. In it was their journey of the last year since marriage, and details of their hopes and travels for the new one. It made me feel slightly insignificant. I remember all the dreams I had when I was in college and my hopes of realizing them. Now, it feels as if many of them are slipping away because of their impracticality. I look at this couple and see all that I had hoped to embody: battling social injustices, caring for the poor, traveling to all parts of the world.

And.I.Am.Still.Here.

I find myself getting defensive. Is there something wrong with that? I am pulled in two different directions. On one hand, living the American dream seems to be looming in our future. We now have salaried careers with room to grow and pursue more education if we desire. We are adding to our savings account and hope to be home owners some day. I find myself periodically envying mothers pushing strollers around the block. (And then I snap out of it.)

On the other hand, I still want to be living a nomad’s life. I want to have adventures, meet interesting people, traveling from place to place. I want to believe that there is a job out there that instills passion in me. Passion to love, passion to create, passion to think. I find myself still striving to find what I want to be when I grow up. Is teaching it? Is something else? Which life scenario is right for me, American dream, or American nomad? Am I just unsettled because someone else is having the adventures? Am I not content because this is not how I saw my future unfold those years in college? Am I embarrassed of how my life looks to them? It is a frustrating, lonesome journey of jealousy and questioning each decision.

I feel blessed with all that we have been given. But is it right? I just can't shake these feelings each time one of my friends does something new and exciting. How long will it be until we find the right answer? I am determined not to settle, even though where we are feels comfortable, and I could live out the rest of my life here without thinking. Maybe I am not destined to be a poverty-fighting world traveler. Maybe I am destined to teach little minds. Maybe.

Ignorance is a cryin' shame

I haven't blogged in a long time, but some things irk me so much they warrant a spew of word vomit......
I've recently had multiple conversations with people whose ignorance utterly shocks me. The funny thing is, they are speaking to me as if they are sure I share exactly the same beliefs as them...but I don't. It shames me as a Christian and an American to have many of my Christian friends and relatives tell me that they think that Obama is out to get them. To me, it's paranoia. "He's amoral!" They exclaim, and then proceed to tell a racist joke. That does not make sense at all to me. (And besides, can someone please tell me the differences between morals and beliefs?) To me, Obama is just supporting what he believes, just as Bush before him supported what he believed. Who could really believe that with all the swine flu, economic crises, and global warfar that Obama would have time to try to exterminate the Christians? Basically, they are just upset that we have a president that is of a different party affiliation and religion than they are.
For example, I had someone tell me today about a bill that is to be passed in the Senate (I have not read or heard of such a bill, yet, so please excuse my own ignorance: )) that says that if someone makes a duragatory comment about homosexuals that they can be put in jail. This person went on to say that if a pastor preaches about homosexuals that they, too, could be put in jail. As I said, I haven't read the bill, but it's hard for me to believe that a president (who deals all day with Constitutional Rights) would be so empowered as to take away our right to free speech. I'm not sure if I have the facts right. The main point I'm trying to make is that this person went on about how Obama is trying to crumble the Christians by passing this law that supports homosexuality when Christians do not. This person believed that it would become twisted and could become the downfall of the believer. To me, there are bigger issues. Fine, some people do not agree with homosexuality, and some people do. That's their own decision, and if someone wants to pass a bill that keeps people from badmouthing others who have made their own decision, that's fine with me. No one would balk if a similar bill was made for people who make racist comments.
I heard from someone else that believes that all the press with the swine flu is just an effort to get everyone panicked about it so the government and Obama can be our "saviors" and swoop in and save us. She thinks its a ploy to boost his ratings. This also astounds me, and I don't think I even have to explain why here.
I am not an avid Obama supporter, don't get me wrong. Neither do I support Bush and his administration. In fact, I was so put out with the government this past November that I didn't even vote. So I am supporting or condemming no one. I am just saying, come on, at least give the guy a chance to get started, get educated about politics in an objective way, and stop making stupid accusations.