restlessness

I'm not sure the exact date that it started. I've moved seven times in about four years. I can't be still. I'm always looking for that one thing that will satisfy me. It's like a sickness that permeates the bones. A drug that manifests itself in inhuman ways. Restlessness....
My internal exploration of this subject goes back many years. Has this always been a part of me? Was this something that just happened or did I allow it to fester and grow within me? How do I make it go away???
More than anything I want to be content. I'm a type "A" melancholy personality who longs to be a happy go lucky Type "B." Maybe therein lies the problem. I can't embrace myself for all the flaws I see.
It's like I experience a rainbow of emotions every day. I'm scared about the move and the different lifestyle I will encounter. I'm excited about being close to family. I'm overjoyed to have solitude, peace, quiet, and close friends. I'm nervous about continuing my education and beginning a new career. I'm sad about leaving the place Shawn and I have called home for the past six months... the first half year of our marriage. This city will always hold memories for us...good and bad.
But, during my last week of work, a conversation with a friend solidified the positives of the move for me, and left me feeling like maybe I have learned a little about myself in this whirlwind of a life. In the end, it's not about money, not about feeling discouraged that people don't understand you for who you are. It's not about a successfull career. It's not about your name on a plaque. It's not about the adventures you can brag about to your friends. It's about being happy with who you are and who you're with. And I want to find that. I know I didn't reveal all of myself while I was here, and I certainly have some regrets. (Makes me want to write a book for the newlyweds out there. Maybe in a few years when I have some wisdom under my belt.)But I did learn that I crave creativity and independence... a type of independence that's internal, not external, and that I crave environments that foster that in me. I'm useless without it- a couch potato, a robot. And that doesn't make me very happy at all.
But I'm determined to end this blog on a positive note, so I'll use someone else's words for that: "New discoveries consist not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes..." ~Marcel Proust
Now that's a lesson we all could learn about contentment. :)