poem

Newness;
fall leaf unfurled,
a place to call home.

Spirituality;
a vision, a lull,
a strange dance unknown.

Family;
a strong, heartfelt pull,
a journey-not alone.

nervous nelly

Man I hope this is the right decision. It felt right at first, but now I'm not so sure. I think I'm just overthinking this. All I can do now is be happy where I am, learn about myself, be content and ready for the next adventure. I have to believe this is right, that something good will come of this, that making a difference in a kid's life is more important than a big successful career in a big city. I guess I'm just nervous about how its all going to come out. The control factor... it's killing me.

restlessness

I'm not sure the exact date that it started. I've moved seven times in about four years. I can't be still. I'm always looking for that one thing that will satisfy me. It's like a sickness that permeates the bones. A drug that manifests itself in inhuman ways. Restlessness....
My internal exploration of this subject goes back many years. Has this always been a part of me? Was this something that just happened or did I allow it to fester and grow within me? How do I make it go away???
More than anything I want to be content. I'm a type "A" melancholy personality who longs to be a happy go lucky Type "B." Maybe therein lies the problem. I can't embrace myself for all the flaws I see.
It's like I experience a rainbow of emotions every day. I'm scared about the move and the different lifestyle I will encounter. I'm excited about being close to family. I'm overjoyed to have solitude, peace, quiet, and close friends. I'm nervous about continuing my education and beginning a new career. I'm sad about leaving the place Shawn and I have called home for the past six months... the first half year of our marriage. This city will always hold memories for us...good and bad.
But, during my last week of work, a conversation with a friend solidified the positives of the move for me, and left me feeling like maybe I have learned a little about myself in this whirlwind of a life. In the end, it's not about money, not about feeling discouraged that people don't understand you for who you are. It's not about a successfull career. It's not about your name on a plaque. It's not about the adventures you can brag about to your friends. It's about being happy with who you are and who you're with. And I want to find that. I know I didn't reveal all of myself while I was here, and I certainly have some regrets. (Makes me want to write a book for the newlyweds out there. Maybe in a few years when I have some wisdom under my belt.)But I did learn that I crave creativity and independence... a type of independence that's internal, not external, and that I crave environments that foster that in me. I'm useless without it- a couch potato, a robot. And that doesn't make me very happy at all.
But I'm determined to end this blog on a positive note, so I'll use someone else's words for that: "New discoveries consist not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes..." ~Marcel Proust
Now that's a lesson we all could learn about contentment. :)

out of sorts

I've been feeling a little out of sorts today. Not sick, just really tired. I've been thinking too much again. I kind of feel like I've been on one of those rollercoasters like old school Mr. Freeze that goes from 0-60 in three seconds. Or like I'm caught up in a windstorm and my feet can't touch the ground.
Seems like lots of my friends have such good careers, or are in graduate school or have awesome plans for their lives.
I'm moving back to Nacogdoches, and I'm struggling with the same stuff I always do. Who am I really? Someone who wants a simple life, laid back, enjoying friends and relationships, conversations, and family? Or do I want a fast paced life, feeling intelligent, successfull and making lots of money? I feel like I am capable of a fast paced life, and it seems attractive, but am I really drawn to something simpler? Something people here just don't seem to understand?
I am about to get into a teaching program, and will begin teaching middle school english this spring. I am so scared. Scared that ten years will go by and I'll realize that I've lived out none of my dreams. Scared that I will get stuck in one place with no creativity and no ambition, just making money to get by...
I'm still young, I still want to do so many things, and sometimes I just feel so bogged down by, I guess, reality... for lack of a better word. I just feel like I could do so much, but that I'm settling. I want to do something that is my passion, something that I'm good at, but all I really end up doing is hopping from job to dead-end job, finding nothing that will ease my restlessness.
I know I want a few things that Nacogdoches will allow me to have:
1. Spending more time with Shawn
2. Spending more time with family
3. Exploring creative outlets
4. Spending more time with friends
5. Becomming more confident as an adult and with my career
6. Being close to a university
7. being in a more laid-back, simpler environemnt which challenges me to stop and think
8. Being more relaxed

I just pray to God that I will find something that interests and challenges me soon... because right now it all just feels like such a waste. I won't mind living in a small town, as long as I don't have to be there forever and can do something that I love with those that I care about. Please, God, I just don't want to settle.