melancholy

I think I am a sadness reveler. Always finding something I don't like or didn't expect in a certain "moment" of my life. In middle school I couldn't wait to get to high school (who doesn't? 7th and 8th grade just sucked). In high school, I had fun, but I couldn't wait to experience the freedom of college...well in college, the freedom that I waited for kind of knocked me over. It took me a while to recover from that one. I couldn't wait to be with Shawn... I couldn't wait to move away from nac and live somewhere new. Now I'm struggling to find positive things about Austin. It just makes me want to kick myself in the ass sometimes. Why can't I just live and let live, enjoy, and experience?
And then I thought, maybe I'm not a joykiller, maybe I'm just a dreamer with dreamy nostalgic expectations about what every phase in my life will be like. And then when reality really hits, and I come back from cloud nine, it kind of equals a big slap in the face.
I know I have a melancholy personality...I'm a thinker, a dreamer, I feel confined when I am not challenged intellectually, physically or emotionally. I know I longed for this day when i didn't have to think about school or bust my brain on some research paper... but i realized I kind of liked it, all the hustle and bustle and the late hours and then getting a much deserved A in the class.
It's not what I thought it would be like here... I thought I would find an outlet, some fellow dreamers, some free-thinking friends... but I find myself losing myself and becoming more and more restless as my days seem all the same.
It may seem depressing what I have written here, but I write from my soul, and this, like I said, is one of my only outlets as of right now. this is what my soul feels, and I won't censor it.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for... all I know is that for once in my life I don't have things planned out, and it frustrates me. This is probably one of those learning experiences, but I havne't figured out what I'm learning yet. Meanwhile... I'll just take my frustration out in words... it's what I do best.