vice

This is a very overwhelming feeling. I can’t decide if I feel anger, pity, remorse, or grief… or maybe a combination of them all. If it wasn’t for this chronic disease, we could have accomplished some very unique and great things together…

If only if it wasn’t for this disease.

Now I’m stuck. That’s all I think about. That’s what determines where I will live, what job I will have, and ultimately even how long I will live. The dream of happy nomadic travel and exotic destinations and people is no more. I feel like the expectations of life that I had when I was a youth are trivial and meaningless. I remember when I was fifteen and invincible. Life stretched out infinitely in front of me. I was giddy with the possibilities. Now It seems like I’m stuck in a vice grip so tight… The fear of limitations immobilizes me.

It’s not like I was promiscuous or unhealthy or irresponsible. I didn’t deserve it. I see no reason for its existence. It’s like a blood sucking parasite that just needed a host to inhabit. It drains me and everyone else that I love. It shatters dreams; it causes undue stress. My heart breaks for the loved ones that are subjected to this horrible monster. I wish it wasn’t a part of me, but it is. Kind of like a package deal you didn’t ask for. I feel guilty and I wish I could make it go away…I would do anything to make it go away…

But I can’t.