vice

This is a very overwhelming feeling. I can’t decide if I feel anger, pity, remorse, or grief… or maybe a combination of them all. If it wasn’t for this chronic disease, we could have accomplished some very unique and great things together…

If only if it wasn’t for this disease.

Now I’m stuck. That’s all I think about. That’s what determines where I will live, what job I will have, and ultimately even how long I will live. The dream of happy nomadic travel and exotic destinations and people is no more. I feel like the expectations of life that I had when I was a youth are trivial and meaningless. I remember when I was fifteen and invincible. Life stretched out infinitely in front of me. I was giddy with the possibilities. Now It seems like I’m stuck in a vice grip so tight… The fear of limitations immobilizes me.

It’s not like I was promiscuous or unhealthy or irresponsible. I didn’t deserve it. I see no reason for its existence. It’s like a blood sucking parasite that just needed a host to inhabit. It drains me and everyone else that I love. It shatters dreams; it causes undue stress. My heart breaks for the loved ones that are subjected to this horrible monster. I wish it wasn’t a part of me, but it is. Kind of like a package deal you didn’t ask for. I feel guilty and I wish I could make it go away…I would do anything to make it go away…

But I can’t.

I was never meant to be a nomad

I was never meant to be a nomad, for sure. What with all the complications of chronic illnesses, access to meds and insurance, I'm destined to be a one-place- lifer. This comes as a shock and frustrating revelation to me. I've always wanted to travel. Especially after last summer. I lived with more nomads than you could count. They had absolutely nothing... but they seemed so happy. They knew what it meant to be non-materialistic and baske in good and uncomplicated simplicity. I wish things were different, you know? But I guess that will never get me anywhere. Is freedom really free?

Sometimes

Sometimes I don't really know what I'm doing. Here I am, graduating in a few months, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sometimes I think college is stupid. Not because I regret what I've learned and what I've experienced and who I've made friends with, but because I've spent four years of my life learning and studying and, excuse me, but quite literally busting my ass to get through. And now I'm stuck. I was one of the lucky few who chose to major in a liberal arts degree, and now I either have to spent a lot of money on grad school or go into a entry level job somewhere that I hate. I just don't believe in that. I don't believe that you should spend so many years of your life doing what you want(because I majored in psychology because I liked it, because I wanted to learn... not because I wanted to make lots of money or become famous)and then you get out into the so-called "real world" and have nothing to show for it. Even now I'm regretting not joining some prestigious honors societies because I know that would look good on my resume. But really, what does that show? That I'm good at B.S ing and answering lame questions and sucking up to people? (BTW, my resume looks pretty lame itself right now, so maybe I should have joined some of those suck-up societies...)I just really believe with my whole heart that a person should always do something that they love. I hate this dependence on finances. Money and status is everything in this country and I'm realizing it more and more every day. I just wish people could hold me accountable, and when they find out that I'm stuck in a dead-end entry-level job, they would call me out and say, "Hey, is this what you love? Is this what stimulates your mind and makes you feel free?"
In the words of Dwayne from Little Miss Sunshine... "F school, F college, they're all beauty pageants... Do what you love and that's all that matters..."