questions

Well I should be studying for finals right now, but I can't concentrate for all the questions running around in my head. I guess I could compare them to a bunch of rowdy children. You sit one down and another pops up and runs off. So, I've settled down with a big peanut butter cup blizzard from Dairy Queen to try to wrestle with my mind...here goes...

We all have a need inside of us for something bigger, something higher, something powerful, right? A need to feel purpose, that we're affiliated with something rational and gratifying and fullfilling. I guess some could call it a "hole in our hearts" for God? higher power?

How do we explain what some of the early humans felt? We know they felt something. Was it God? was it the devil? If it was God, why don't we recognize some of these other religions as truth? If God spoke to them, why didn't God give Christianity to them? okay I know there is prophecy and everything happened at the right time, but what did people do before Christianity? What did Native Americans do who were never exposed to Christianity or Judaisim? were they saved? did they go to heaven? And how can you explain little bits of "truth" that is in every religion? Now, don't get me wrong here, I didn't say that every religion was "the truth." To me, those two phrases are very different. I'm just saying that there is evidence of truth in other places than the Bible and at church. Take for example Buddhism and their practice of meditation. Wouldn't it be great if Christians would take that into our daily lives and just slow down a bit and meditate on God? Or what about Native American religions and their striving for peace with nature? Wouldn't that do wonders for pollution and global warming? What about secular music that speaks of truth and love and beauty?

How do you explain to an friend who is not a believer that Christianity came from Judaisim but we don't believe in Judaisim or that Jews are following the real "truth?"

To quote a friend, "our purpose as Christians is not to validate our faith or prove it or to discuss religion, but to show love to people as Christ did." This is what I desire but I can't get past the questions I have about the Bible and the Old Testament. Where do the Jewish and Christian scripture intertwine and how can I tell someone about Christ if I am not even sure of the history of my faith?I just really believe that this background has to come first or at least I have to have some knowledge of it.

Lately everything has just seemed so fake. The prayers, the devotionals, the promises to pray for you. I know some people mean well, but I'm just searching for what's real. I'm so tired of going through the motions...

conversation?

So... I've had a couple of really frusterating conversation lately with people that are supposed to know everything about me. How can people who say they love me so much really be so opposed to the way I want to live my life and not trust who I am becomming? How do I express what gives me freedom to people who question my every move? who don't see me as an adult who can make her own decisions? Haven't I proven myself?

I guess its my need or want to feel accepted by people. I feel a deep desire sometimes to want to please, to alter myself so others can be happy. So often I feel this is wrong, is this being my true self? I try to explain myself, try to initiate conversations about things that interest me, but to no avail. Everyone seems the happiest when conversations like these are avoided and surface level talk drones on and on... I get so tired of it.

The most freedom I feel is in Christ; in having conversation with people who are not like me; in learning from those who grew up differently from me; and spending time with people who I have grown to love (who most likely are seen by others, including my family) as unloveable and a "bad influence." Isn't this what Jesus did? I am not satisfied by going on week long missions trips where activities and spiritual conversations are expected and planned. I want to live my life seeking out others... other truths, other beliefs, other ways of life and in the process hope to show the truth that is inside of me. I am not content to stay in my little shell of a life where everything is comfortable. Getting outside of ourselves... isn't this where we grow?