Shawn's been out of town for over a week, leaving me here to recover from surgery, and spend some time to myself. Well, I've spent plenty of time by myself, enough to last me for a good six months or so. But, in doing so, I've noticed some things that I really haven't had time to process. In the wake of such a crazy life, becoming a full-fledged adult, I've had little time to think and dwell about life in general.
Here are some things I've learned about myself this week:
Regarding church:
1) I have a problem with male leadership in churches, which may be the cause of me being reluctant to head back to church. There have been 5 or 6 male members of the church or a church body that I feel have let me down...that's not to say that I'm an extreme feminist or think that the church should only be governed by females, I just have a problem trusting male authority now, especially in churches. It seems that most (not all) or at least the ones I've come in contact with are very patriarchal, and feel that a woman's place is to watch the children or bake the best dessert. This is especially true for a minister's wife. When Shawn and I were at a church working together one time, I felt especially disappointed. One, I felt insecure because we were working together, but not married. Two, I felt insecure because our personalities are so different and I had yet to figure my self out in relationship to Shawn. Three, the men and women in that church had such divided roles... I felt that no one ever expected me to have my own thoughts and opinions, and if I voiced those... it was looked down upon.
2)I realize this was the true culmination of my distrust of the church in general... and it's been a long and bumpy road back. I feel that I am consistently disappointing my parents by not going to church, but I cannot make myself do something ever again that I don't feel 100% into. I will not be a fake person. I try to be authentic, alway. Going to a church makes me feel stress, like I should be worrying more about what I"m wearing than what I'm really there for. Because I don't like to be involved in things that I don't feel 100% about, I've also become an excellent escape artist and avoider which is also cause for concern. Some might call this restlessness, but I just can't make myself stay somewhere too long.
3) Regarding family: I've come to the sad conclusion that my family now is Shawn. It's sad because I've been close to my family my whole life, and I still am... It's just looks different now. I still enjoy spending time with them, but Shawn is the one who knows me inside and out now... not them. It's hard because I want it to feel the same when I go over to their house or spend the night when Shawn's not home, but it just doesn't. I've shed many a tear over this, but I think this realization is good because it allows me to become who I really am and feel OK about leaving this town.
4) I thrive in environments where I can learn, and since I am an introvert, it's exhausting (albeit exhilerating) for me to teach because it requires me to be out of my element all day long. I also thrive on time to myself. Therefore, I am anxious about the coming school year and all its business, but again I also think that it pushes me to be a more outgoing and inviting person. I really have to work on that, small talk is not my forte, but if I am to be a mentor to junior high kids, I've got to let go of my self esteem issues. I worry that I am too young to teach these kids and that they will not take me seriously. Will I baby them since I taught 4th grade last year? Will I expect too much? Will the preparation for class overwhelm me? I keep procrastinating lesson planning, but I know I will feel so much better once I have a chance to work in my room and work on the curriculum.
5) I have a deep need for a soul sister. I miss my friends and the closeness I had with them. I can talk to my sisters, my mom or my grandma and even Shawn, but it's not the same as a girlfriend. I sooo wish for a couple that Shawn and I can hang out with, but it seems that as soon as we meet one, they move somewhere else. No one ever stays here very long and I hope we start making plans to get out on our own soon. It's scary, but I think now we know what we want and will be forthright in making plans and getting things done. I think the first thing on that list will be a church if we can ever find one that fits right. I know that within a church we can find friends... the issue is that we rarely find people that are open minded enough. It's hard to have a conversation about your hopes and dreams with people that aren't on the same wavelength as you.
Ahhh all in due time. Patience is a virtue. At least I learned some things this week amidst my tears and loneliness for Shawn. He is my soulmate and I don't mean that in a frivolous teenage way. He connects with me on a level that leaves such a void when he is not here. I am glad he's back. :)
