Dusk

Dusk comes slowly, creeping and rolling,

Earth breathes a sigh of relief.

The feverish air remembers the heat of the day,

And beckons the humid release.

Trees bow and kneel to one another,

Katydids serenade the sky.

Cavalier clouds exchange favors with the wind,

Flowers curl and die.

Old oak leaves splayed like luna moths

Drift and kiss the ground.

I lay my head among pillars of grass,

And stop to catch the sound.

new letter

We just recently received a letter from some of our friends. In it was their journey of the last year since marriage, and details of their hopes and travels for the new one. It made me feel slightly insignificant. I remember all the dreams I had when I was in college and my hopes of realizing them. Now, it feels as if many of them are slipping away because of their impracticality. I look at this couple and see all that I had hoped to embody: battling social injustices, caring for the poor, traveling to all parts of the world.

And.I.Am.Still.Here.

I find myself getting defensive. Is there something wrong with that? I am pulled in two different directions. On one hand, living the American dream seems to be looming in our future. We now have salaried careers with room to grow and pursue more education if we desire. We are adding to our savings account and hope to be home owners some day. I find myself periodically envying mothers pushing strollers around the block. (And then I snap out of it.)

On the other hand, I still want to be living a nomad’s life. I want to have adventures, meet interesting people, traveling from place to place. I want to believe that there is a job out there that instills passion in me. Passion to love, passion to create, passion to think. I find myself still striving to find what I want to be when I grow up. Is teaching it? Is something else? Which life scenario is right for me, American dream, or American nomad? Am I just unsettled because someone else is having the adventures? Am I not content because this is not how I saw my future unfold those years in college? Am I embarrassed of how my life looks to them? It is a frustrating, lonesome journey of jealousy and questioning each decision.

I feel blessed with all that we have been given. But is it right? I just can't shake these feelings each time one of my friends does something new and exciting. How long will it be until we find the right answer? I am determined not to settle, even though where we are feels comfortable, and I could live out the rest of my life here without thinking. Maybe I am not destined to be a poverty-fighting world traveler. Maybe I am destined to teach little minds. Maybe.