Wow. Its amazing how God answers prayers sometimes. I was just praying this morning asking God to give me conversations, (actually it was kind of a selfish prayer, I wanted someone to talk to so I wouldn't feel lonely today on my day off) and he did. It wasn't who I expected to talk to but he sure did answer quickly.
I want to start off my blog with a poem that I wrote last Wednesday. It sums up my feelings over the summer:
"Beautiful Prison"
Entering in,
awe and beauty,
flashing landscapes and
a cumbersome duty,
Beautiful reason
I've called it my own
loving and seeking
I'm giving it all away.
Familiarity
living crudely
mounting tension
behaving rudely
Beautiful prison,
I've made it my own
boxed in reality
I'm wasting it all away.
New day breaking,
Freedom unruly,
Clear eyes awakening,
and living truly,
Beautiful reason,
You've made it more known
living and breathing
I'm taking it in today.
That kind of sums up what I've felt about this summer. Its been a rollercoaster of emotions but God never fails to put my perspective into place.
My prayer for my last couple of weeks here is that I will not become numb or apathetic and just waste time. I know God has things planned for me here.
God has taught me a lot about sharing Christ's love with different kinds of people with different lifestyles lately. I have a few friends here that are really struggling with their sexuality. This is some hard stuff to get into, and I used to just back away from anyone with these kinds of issues, but God is breaking my heart and showing me how to have compassion for them. I have one sister in Christ who has been in that lifestyle before and as she was sharing with me her stuggles and temptations, I couldn't help but be broken hearted and burdened for her. She is one of the ones on the team who has made such and effort to disciple me. She is so strong and lives so freely, you can really tell that Christ has claimed her and she Him. It broke my heart to see her so upset... I can't even pretend to know or understand what she is struggling with, but I know she is searching and hurting for love and truth, just like we all are. I want so much for God to just ban satan from her, but I know he is testing her and making her stronger. It just breaks my heart.
God has also been teaching me about the body of Christ and the church this summer. Like many people my age, I don't really know where I fall into this whole church business. I have seen though, through this summer that a body of believers can come to gether anywhere, and its not just about being nice to one another and having a surface conversation. Its about truth and honesty and love and not being afraid to confront another person. I don't really feel constricted like when God moves across my heart and tells me to do something, I can really do it... and feel like I've accomplished something for HIm. I'm still learning what it all means...but I feel like I've come a long way. My biggest goal is just learning to love people.
I know this has been a spacey post, but I feel like there is so much to say, its just kind of in the back of my head and its not all enunciated and thought out yet. So, I apologize, I just hope some of this makes sense.
peace...
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
hidden falls
Last night was just what I needed. Zach Kate and I hiked up to hidden falls to spend the night. Its this little waterfall that only park employees are supposed to know about. You hike for about an hour, past a lake and through a small forest area, and then you get to a bridge. From there, its a hike through rocks and boulders and over fallen trees... its a trick to get to, especially in the dark( which is what we did). We made it there eventually and laid out our sleeping bags on this huge slab of granite. The falls have all but dried up, but there were still a few little pools up there. The sound of the water rushing over the rocks is what makes it though... that sound always calms me. We turned off our headlamps and turned our attention to the stars above. They are so vibrant in the wilderness! The weather was perfect and even though I didn't get much sleep, I awoke to the sun just coloring the tops of the highest mountains. It was funny because in the dark we thought we had selected a flat place to sleep, but in the daylight we could see it was slanted and our sleeping bags kept slipping down the whole night. to wake up, we took a dip in a crystal clear (and cold!) pool and headed down the mountain to meet some friends to go swimming. It turned out to be just what I needed.
We drove to El Portel, about a thirty minute drive from Yosemite valley and instantly 10 degrees hotter. We parked on the side of the river and hiked for about twenty minutes until we reached this deep pool with high rocks all around and a waterfall on one end. There was a rope on one side of the rock so of course I had to try it out. It reminded me a lot of the ranch in south texas and the old blue hole. We had a fun time swimming and splashing around. Its fun because on almost every adventure, I've gotten to hang out with and meet new people. I like that... it will be sad to leave everyone in a few weeks and know I might not see them again... some of them have already started to leave.
I have the next few days off and I hope to have more spontaneous fun like today!
We drove to El Portel, about a thirty minute drive from Yosemite valley and instantly 10 degrees hotter. We parked on the side of the river and hiked for about twenty minutes until we reached this deep pool with high rocks all around and a waterfall on one end. There was a rope on one side of the rock so of course I had to try it out. It reminded me a lot of the ranch in south texas and the old blue hole. We had a fun time swimming and splashing around. Its fun because on almost every adventure, I've gotten to hang out with and meet new people. I like that... it will be sad to leave everyone in a few weeks and know I might not see them again... some of them have already started to leave.
I have the next few days off and I hope to have more spontaneous fun like today!
Sunday, July 8, 2007
true introvert
I am so hungry for some alone time! I am always around people here. At work, after work, when I sleep, when I eat. My true introvert colors are starting to show... I only feel energized and together when I get some time to myself. I think actually though, I just want someone to seem interested in my life... more bluntly... to love me. I know you have to give to receive and all that, but I feel like others around me are having so much fun and I'm counting down the days until I get out of here. How can some place that feels so freeing start to feel like such a prison? Maybe part of it is pride? I know that my Christian brothers and sisters would be there in a heartbeat to lift me up, but I don't want to admit that I am extremely homesick and having a hard time. I don't want to be that negative person.... so maybe I just need to spend a couple hours alone to just regroup, because as my wise friend said here, I'll never be good for anyone if I'm not good for myself. I guess my only drawback is that I don't want to miss out on things or opportunities and I feel like I"m the only person who needs this time to myself... is that so wierd?
Maybe God is teaching me contentment. These feelings happen to me a lot. When ever I start something new, I love it, I"m so passionate about it, but then a couple months or even weeks into it I get tired and ready for something else new... what is that? I need to learn to be happy where I am.
It just hurts sometimes when you feel like you're giving everything and trying so hard to be interested in people's lives and you get nothing in return. Am I even doing any good? Am I changing lives? Do I have a purpose? The other day I had some flyers I was putting up for the gathering (our weekly church service). I saw one of my friends and he asked me what I was doing, and I showed him the flyers. He practically laughed in my face. Now that hurt. How can someone laugh about something that is so important to me, is my very breath and my very strength? I try so hard to be accepting of everyone else, even when they are drunk or high and just plain annoying... why why why?
ok, I'm finished with my rant... I just needed to get that out... I told you I was going to be honest on here, didn't I?
The last couple of weeks have been very busy. Last week I went to hike in tuolumne with some of my friends. That's still in the national park, but its classified as high country. In some parts, there's still snow on the ground even when its 105 here. We hiked up this trail that's about a mile up, but its straight up. We go from 4000 ft. in the valley to all of a sudden we're 10000 ft. That's quite a climb. But once we huffed and puffed our way up, it was beautiful. The trail flattened out into this meadow and we were surrounded by mountain ranges every where we looked. Some were snow capped, others were high ridges of red rock. Directly ahead of us was a lake called Gaylor lake, and several other tarn lakes in other directions. It was beautiful! of course I wanted to get higher up to take in more of the view, so I climbed up to Gaylor point. Basically it was just a bunch of rocks and I had to pick my way through. When I finally got up, I sat down and it.. was... so ...quiet. I loved it. All I could hear was the wind... for miles and miles I was surrounded by mountains. Not the wimpy ones we have in south texas, but huge granite glacier carved mountain ridges. Wow. If anyone has a chance to get on face books there's a picture of me lying in the meadow. How's that for relaxation!
Last weekend a couple of friends and me took a trip to San francisco. Of course after we stopped to get wild strawberries from the field, I fell asleep in the car and awoke to the bay bridge! I have never seen anything like it. We went directly to AT and T stadium to watch the giants play. They won 13 to 0 against Arizona, but I got extremely sunburnt. I just didn't think I would because of the breeze blowing right off the bay. Something I thought was funny was that these kayakers would come across the bay and sit and wait for homeruns or fly balls to hit the bay and then they would all scramble to pick them up out of the water. After that we went to our hostel, the Green tortoise. Anyone who hasn't ever stayed in a hostel should. It was a blast. We paid $27.00 for the night and got a room, bed, free linens, showers, free breakfast, internet and had a band play that night! it was great and we got to meet people from all over the world. We visited places like China town( bubble tea, yum) Haite ashbury street ( the corner where the hipppie movement started in the 60s) pier 39, fisherman's wharf (where we ate some clam chowder in sourdough breadbowls), ghiradelli square and tons of other stuff. ONe of my favorite moments was the park around the golden gate bridge. I took off my shoes and waded into the water... ahhh... ocean... it was great. We spent a lot of money (the city is expensive) but it was worth it.
For July fourth a group of us went up to the mobil (this random gas station high in the sierras that serves gourmet food and has bands that play on the weekends and for special events)The band that was playing was called the Trespassers. They were basically indie folk band (code for honky tonk country california music and hippie dancing). Once we got finished eating dinner, they started playing on this stage at one end of the outdoor part of the restaurant. Everyone gathered in front and started dancing. It was the most freeing feeling because nobody cared what you looked like.. so we all took off our shoes, rolled up our pants, and danced in the mud all night long. It was one of the most exhilarating times I've had here. I just love hippies. I love to watch them and I'd love to imitate parts of their lifestyle. They are so free... they wear whatever they want, no make up, love nature, people and are basically nomadic. they live life every day to the fullest and just enjoy it. They are not driven by fame, money or success... that's freedom to me.
Nights in boystown are pretty fun... on any given night somebody is barbqueing or playing music or just hanging out and discussing life. I am homesick... but there's always something to do...
Maybe God is teaching me contentment. These feelings happen to me a lot. When ever I start something new, I love it, I"m so passionate about it, but then a couple months or even weeks into it I get tired and ready for something else new... what is that? I need to learn to be happy where I am.
It just hurts sometimes when you feel like you're giving everything and trying so hard to be interested in people's lives and you get nothing in return. Am I even doing any good? Am I changing lives? Do I have a purpose? The other day I had some flyers I was putting up for the gathering (our weekly church service). I saw one of my friends and he asked me what I was doing, and I showed him the flyers. He practically laughed in my face. Now that hurt. How can someone laugh about something that is so important to me, is my very breath and my very strength? I try so hard to be accepting of everyone else, even when they are drunk or high and just plain annoying... why why why?
ok, I'm finished with my rant... I just needed to get that out... I told you I was going to be honest on here, didn't I?
The last couple of weeks have been very busy. Last week I went to hike in tuolumne with some of my friends. That's still in the national park, but its classified as high country. In some parts, there's still snow on the ground even when its 105 here. We hiked up this trail that's about a mile up, but its straight up. We go from 4000 ft. in the valley to all of a sudden we're 10000 ft. That's quite a climb. But once we huffed and puffed our way up, it was beautiful. The trail flattened out into this meadow and we were surrounded by mountain ranges every where we looked. Some were snow capped, others were high ridges of red rock. Directly ahead of us was a lake called Gaylor lake, and several other tarn lakes in other directions. It was beautiful! of course I wanted to get higher up to take in more of the view, so I climbed up to Gaylor point. Basically it was just a bunch of rocks and I had to pick my way through. When I finally got up, I sat down and it.. was... so ...quiet. I loved it. All I could hear was the wind... for miles and miles I was surrounded by mountains. Not the wimpy ones we have in south texas, but huge granite glacier carved mountain ridges. Wow. If anyone has a chance to get on face books there's a picture of me lying in the meadow. How's that for relaxation!
Last weekend a couple of friends and me took a trip to San francisco. Of course after we stopped to get wild strawberries from the field, I fell asleep in the car and awoke to the bay bridge! I have never seen anything like it. We went directly to AT and T stadium to watch the giants play. They won 13 to 0 against Arizona, but I got extremely sunburnt. I just didn't think I would because of the breeze blowing right off the bay. Something I thought was funny was that these kayakers would come across the bay and sit and wait for homeruns or fly balls to hit the bay and then they would all scramble to pick them up out of the water. After that we went to our hostel, the Green tortoise. Anyone who hasn't ever stayed in a hostel should. It was a blast. We paid $27.00 for the night and got a room, bed, free linens, showers, free breakfast, internet and had a band play that night! it was great and we got to meet people from all over the world. We visited places like China town( bubble tea, yum) Haite ashbury street ( the corner where the hipppie movement started in the 60s) pier 39, fisherman's wharf (where we ate some clam chowder in sourdough breadbowls), ghiradelli square and tons of other stuff. ONe of my favorite moments was the park around the golden gate bridge. I took off my shoes and waded into the water... ahhh... ocean... it was great. We spent a lot of money (the city is expensive) but it was worth it.
For July fourth a group of us went up to the mobil (this random gas station high in the sierras that serves gourmet food and has bands that play on the weekends and for special events)The band that was playing was called the Trespassers. They were basically indie folk band (code for honky tonk country california music and hippie dancing). Once we got finished eating dinner, they started playing on this stage at one end of the outdoor part of the restaurant. Everyone gathered in front and started dancing. It was the most freeing feeling because nobody cared what you looked like.. so we all took off our shoes, rolled up our pants, and danced in the mud all night long. It was one of the most exhilarating times I've had here. I just love hippies. I love to watch them and I'd love to imitate parts of their lifestyle. They are so free... they wear whatever they want, no make up, love nature, people and are basically nomadic. they live life every day to the fullest and just enjoy it. They are not driven by fame, money or success... that's freedom to me.
Nights in boystown are pretty fun... on any given night somebody is barbqueing or playing music or just hanging out and discussing life. I am homesick... but there's always something to do...
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